Rant Fridays...

Early in life, I have learned that life does not play fair. As an eldest child, I have learned that I should always set aside my preferences, my desires, my needs and my wants in priority of my younger siblings. This I had done to the extent of feeding them the only food that I am left with. And, now that I am all grown up, I’m still doing the same thing, this time for my own family. I’ve no issues with that. I’m happy that they think of me as not being selfish and always putting them first. That’s my thing! Like what I always say, “That’s how I roll…”

But, there are disadvantages to being overly giving and generous. The unfulfilled personal desires top all of these cons. Since most of them knew that my usual response would be, “it’s okay,” everyone now thinks that it’s just nothing if they bypass my desires and my feelings. And I can’t blame them. I trained them to think that way. You see, I am not the type of person who would create a hassle on someone else’s plans just because I want things done my way. I, fortunately, was trained to be always giving of others. That generosity has its perks and openhandedness is a trait not everyone is capable of practicing. So yeah, you can say I am well-heeled because of this attribute. But again, I am not here to boast of this personal characteristic. Rather, I am here to mention the cons of generosity.

 

As what I have mentioned earlier, the topmost drawback of being too unsparing is that your personal goals and desires are always put to halt, worse set aside or forgotten. We, the bighearted ones, are so afraid to be called self-important, that even if it hurts us to put off ourselves on a lower priority, we would endure that pain just to see their happiness fulfilled at your own expense.

Now, now, this is neither a discussion, nor a 101 class for SELF-CENTEREDNESS. I am 100% against EGOCENTRICITY!!! That’s a pet-peeve on people, especially those who are very much capable. I don’t even want to inculcate that philosophy to my David and Abby, my two lovely kids. I want them, and of course every parent does, to learn the importance of SHARING. I am just doing this for the benefit of acknowledging the sting when your personal wishes are not granted. But, even though I am a sensitive woman and I easily cry over silly stuff, ironically, I am a very strong person too. Yeah, two opposite sides that is completely 180 degrees in comparison of both. If I easily get hurt, even with small things, but I bounce back effortlessly and understand that one should learn to make do with what their handed with. Be it a decision made poorly at my own happiness’ expense or as simple as a movie that I would like to watch, but can’t because nobody has the time to spend with you, worse because you just don’t have the money to spend on yourself. As a married woman and a mother, I believe that your husband’s and your children’s contentment should be your utmost main concern. That, it shouldn’t be an issue if they ignore your preferences because at the end of the day, they would not remember what they did for you, but they would always put in their hearts your willingness to set aside your life in exchange of theirs. 

After all, you are their mom. You are their go-to person when they are sad. They run to you if they’re scared of the monsters under their bed or behind their closet and if they made that 3-point shot while playing NBA2K13 at their Xbox. They look for you when they come home from school and talk to you about how cheerful their day was. They expect you to hold their hands when they have that “just-one-of-those-days” moment. And, even if you were already up for 24 hours straight, they still expect you to prepare food for them when they are hungry or help them with their homework. Your availability is their happiness. Every kid does appreciate an “always present” mother.

But, I am just not the mother of my kids. I am also the wife to my husband. I am expected to submit to whatever his decision is. Going along with what his plans are is what I am anticipated of. Even if you have voiced out what your desires are, at the end of the day, it is not what you want that is and will be executed, but his. It’s not your job to make decisions for the whole family. It’s his. Me? I am JUST a wife and is assumed to go along with his desires, his needs and his wants. It is really tough to fulfill that wife of noble character that Solomon is speaking of. But I am here, not prove that I can be that, but to simply fulfill my duties as that of the Noble Wife. (If you don’t know what I’m talking about, maybe it’s about time to open up that dusty book on your bookshelf… On its front is written “THE HOLY BIBLE”. Open it up to the book of Proverbs 31:10-31. If you don’t know how to get there, check out the book’s table of contents. Every book has that. )

 

But still, it wouldn’t hurt if they would be giving your plans some thought and see that what you are expecting from them is valuable too. It’s hard when nobody else understands what you like and goes along with it and those people who do, don’t have a say in what should or shouldn’t be done and they are not capable of changing your status.

In my children’s one of all-time favorite movies said, "Around here, however, we don't look backwards for very long. We keep moving forward, opening new doors and doing new things, because we're curious...and curiosity keeps leading us down new paths."

 

I would keep moving forward towards our goal, no matter how hurtful the road is… I understand that when a path towards a goal is straight, of course it’s easier to achieve it but compare it to a path that is filled with obstacles, the road to your goal may be challenging, but once you reach the end of the line, the victory will be a lot sweeter and all of the sacrifices you did, will be exchanged with the gratifying taste of utter glory.

The Beginning of New Life...

I was trying to look for Christian Books at one bookstore and trying to look for something different. As I am trying to renew my awareness of God’s wonderful works and teachings, I would want to explore ways of getting to know him more outside the church. I am a Christian my whole life, but through a personal evaluation, I realized that I was more of an “occasional” follower rather than a “person holistically involved to Christ”. Hence, my journey to my spiritual renewal began. As a start, I became more involved in church, becoming a Children’s Church Helper, tending to the little ones, who would someday become God’s helpers, I try my best to instill in them the importance of being with Christ.

 

As I try not to stay away from the books that show and teach you about God and living a life with him, as well as the Bible, I came across this unique book that teaches the opposite. Although this may be somewhat unsafe especially for some who are still a “baby Christian”, since this book might be taken literally and lose its real purpose, I would still recommend this especially for us who became so accustomed to claiming that we are CHRISTIANS but live the opposite life.

 

The name of the book is The 77 Habits of Highly Ineffective Christians by Chris Fabry.

 

As a Christian for my entire life, I believe that this little book packs a big punch to my life as a believer of Christian. Just glancing through some of the pages, it has shown me my weakness as a “lukewarm Christian”. Since I am now on the course to “renovating my Christian life” and living my life’s purpose as God’s servant, I hope to learn more and be enlightened with this book. A word of caution to my readers though, I am not writing this to preach or even persecute anyone who lives by these rules. I know you have your own reason why you live such way. My only purpose for writing this is to share and enlighten some of you who might have the question, “what is really the purpose of my existence?” and maybe help you become informed through the book’s thoughts and the wisdom it has to offer. I would also be quoting scriptures from one of the best-selling books of all time, The Bible, so it’s best if you got a Bible, open it up and read through the scriptures that I am sharing. J

 

So without further ado, let’s begin to go through this book and learn together.

 

Tips on how to become an INEFFECTIVE CHRISTIAN #1:  DICHOTOMIZE YOUR LIFE.

 

What is the meaning of the word dichotomize? The root word “DICHOTOMY” means division into two parts, kinds, etc. It also means subdivision into halves or pairs. Looking at the meanings, you would find the common word, DIVISION. So, to DICHOTOMIZE means to become divided into two parts.

 

The book writes that an ineffective Christian divides his life into two parts: SECULAR and SPIRITUAL. Ineffective Christians believe that spirituality is something achieved only on specific days and the reason of their living is not really affected by this so-called reality. The rest of their existence is based solely on the activities that are happening around them. This method could also be called COMPARTMENTALIZATION. A mediocre Christian believes that worshipping God, praying, reading the Bible and coming to church are all part of spirituality and must not be done on the days they delegate for their “normal life”. These people are so afraid to speak of faith outside church. They believe that if you do this, not only are you sacrificing your lifestyle, but you are also making your personality suffer because once you show how good and righteous you are as a Christian, you “normal” friends might never understand this lifestyle that you might end up being alone. This is one fear that an average Christian that they can’t face. They are so afraid to unconform with the world that they believe a life with compartments is the best way to approach this dilemma. Also, average Christians are anxious to acknowledge the simplest wonders God made, like a beautiful sunrise, the peaceful calm you feel when you hear the waves crashing against the rocks, or the brightest stars in the sky. An ordinary Christian never talks about spirituality outside the church on their “spiritual” day. They are afraid to mess up their system of compartmentalization. For an ineffective Christian, praying silently about major decisions in life regarding work or their personal life is totally an acceptable behavior. This is their way of making themselves believe that they have built a strong relationship with God already. But, when it comes to making Jesus Christ as part of their daily, “normal” lives, it is impossible for them to achieve this reality. Why? Because these people are afraid to confuse their lifestyle and are afraid to make their lives suffer from discrimination.

 

A major note to become a truly ineffective Christian: your whole life is not offered to God, only parts that you wish for him to see.

 

Though, if you want to be enlightened, the book of Romans 12:1-2 writes that we are to present our bodies as a living sacrifice to the living God. This is one of our commandments. This SHOULD become our lifestyle. Now I am not saying that you go and become like that famous nun or that guy who gave her whole life into servitude or that other person who became infamous for his fasting to achieve solidarity and peace in his country. While are all inspirational, of course, we would like to become more than a news, a worldwide sensation. As it was written in the scripture, Romans 12:1-2,

                                                               

“Therefore I exhort you, brothers and sisters, by the mercies of God, to present your bodies as a sacrifice – alive, holy and pleasing to God – which is your reasonable service. Do not be conformed to this present world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, so that you may test and approve what is the will of God – what is good and well-pleasing and perfect.” (NET)

 

Note to self: I must be more than just a Christian follower; I must also be a Christian doer, making God a part of my daily living.

 

Question for you: What have you done for God lately???

 

Tomorrow’s topic: Tips on how to become an INEFFECTIVE CHRISTIAN #2: MAKE TOLERANCE YOUR GOD.

the final curtain...

And I’m back…

 

I have been in hiatus for like… FOREVER!

 

It’s been a great a year last year, although, I’m looking forward to a greater year ahead.

Time really flies so fast. Half of the month has gone. Where did it go??? Oh well… Still have a lot more to go and look forward to. What have I been doing for the past months??

Aside from work, as you all are well versed enough, I am a mother of two. I am also a doting wife to my husband and still plays the daughter of my parents.

And when time calls for it, I am still, and will always be, the protective, big sister! J

 

So much for the good stuff…

 

Ironically, I know that I have been out of the loop for quite some time now and the only reason I have for writing here is I would like to announce that this is my last blog.

For the past couple of months, I have been thinking, reading a lot and renewed my faith in God. And it has enlightened me in so many ways.

So, I decided that instead of sharing nonsense information to my readers (as if I have one), I would just share my thoughts about the stuff that I read. May it be from the new book I picked up from a bargain store, up to that famous book, that everyone knows about but no one dares to read the words nor the scriptures, THE BIBLE.

 

Also, in line with this change, I am closing this blog and but I will be back with more optimism, well-designed page, created to inspire rather than to be a page full of rant.

I realized, “who would want to read about the outbursts of a MELANCHOLIC person anyway?” Wait… Is that even possible??? A melancholic person with so much anger?

 

Oh well!

 

As I strive for a new day through the right way, a way where I would grow and be free as an individual, I would like to share my thoughts and the things that I have learned.

I chose to be on the side of the world that is lighter and more fun, where the glass is not half empty but half full, where the roads are straight towards the end of my goals for this year and not a zigzag, crisscross, crooked, thorny and whichever obstacles are presented on my way, where life is full of choices and opportunities rather than a series of unfortunate events… yes, I am quoting one of my favorite movies by Jim Carrey.

 

Another additional feature that I would like to mention about this is the series of scripture and passages from THE BIBLE. I realized I have experienced going through the tough road of the crooked, let me try and go down the straight path of the righteous… 

 

Well, at least I’ll try…

 

So I hope I wouldn’t scare you away just because I mentioned that I am going to quote scripture from my main man, GOD. And when things are too troublesome to bear, to hard to cope with, begin talking to Him up! He’s there…

 

Now, this is the part where I bid you adieu, ciao, ja mata ne, auf widersehen, aloha, shalom, adios, farewell, goodbye, PAALAM!

THE WEDDING - part III

We’re home! The kids were still up and active and were so excited to see us. My husband was also really thrilled to tell his stories to his mom. As for me, I was really tired already and just wanted to lay down and sleep. We got ourselves ready for bed and laid down to put my tired eyes to rest.

 

As I lay down, I had a hard time catching up on some snooze. The experience was still fresh in my head and I was so hung up on the idea that I never had a wedding worth bragging… You must wonder now why I was so fixated with the idea. You’d understand how I feel after you read the next statements telling you how what my wedding was like.

 

Brian and I had a simple home wedding in the province of Rizal. It was in his granny’s late sister’s house. We were, that time, already expecting our firstborn. I never wore a beautiful white dress… I only wore a white preggy blouse we picked up a week before at the mall and my then-favorite preggy pants. My husband looked tidy in his white shirt and semi-formal pants. I never had a make-up artist. I was the one who put my own make up on. I did my own hair too. It was nothing big… I never did that special bridal walk down the aisle because there was no aisle to walk on in the first place… On my way to the ceremony, I rode in our family van, together with everyone in my family. I was never delivered by that beautiful, white, vintage bridal car. I never had flower girls nor ring bearers. I never had bridesmaids and groomsmen. We never had a big entourage. We only had two pairs of sponsors, not like the others who had a handful. And since it was a very small event, the invited guests were also really just few. Only my immediate family were present, no one from my close friends were there to celebrate the union with me. Most of the visitors were from my husband’s side. The food, which was served at the dining area just beside the living area where we were being married, was home cooked by my husband’s mom and aunts. The living area, where the ceremony was held, was designed by them as well. The pastor who presided the union was my husband’s granny’s late sister’s late husband (hope you got that or hope I got that.) Everything was small since the ceremony was rushed. Everything was not grand. At that time, that was what we could afford … We just wanted to get married for the sake of marrying each other and because we really wanted to legalize everything before the baby got out…

 

Whenever I think of my wedding, I sometimes feel sad, not because I resent being married, but the way I got married. Whenever we attend wedding ceremonies, I always end up creating my own dream marriage ceremony. With two kids, I still picture myself wearing my envious satin wedding gown which is crisp white with a sweetheart cut beaded bodice and princess-like ball gown with black floral lace details. There’s also a black satin sash tied on my waist. I hold in my hands a bouquet of deep red and white roses. My hair is loosely curled and worn down. My make-up is gonna be fresh, clean and natural looking. As for my husband, he patiently waits for me at the altar, looking dreamy in black tux, hair neatly fixed. My flower girls, including my daughter, will be wearing their cute different styled black and white gowns which matches the bridesmaids’ gowns… My bible bearer, who is my son, and my coin and ring bearers would all look dapper in their little tux and bowtie like those worn by my husband’s groomsmen. The black, white and deep red motif would be seen from the gowns, the décor, everything! I would be celebrating the ceremony as the sun rises to symbolize a new beginning and everything would be done by the beach for a very lovely, backdrop… I would still experience that “Aw” moment as my wedding march plays, Feels Like Home by Chantal Kreviazuk, and my dad, mom and I walk down the aisle. Everything’s gonna be in slow motion as I walk down the aisle. Just like those wedding scenes in the movies. Everyone, I bet, would be teary-eyed as they listen to our heartfelt vows. They would enjoy the delectable food served at their tables. And this time around, when we have that dream wedding, every close relative and friend would be invited.

 

But of course, just like every dream, you wake up back to reality. Then I wonder, would everything be different had I had my dream wedding?

 

Then God would remind me of a realization. Getting married, of course, is a very, very special step every serious couple will take. It is a big chapter of a couple’s lives. But then again, what’s the most important part of it all?

 

To  me, the most important part of the wedding for a woman, same goes for a man, is that special woman walking down that aisle or special man waiting for you at the altar. That woman or man must be the same person they always dreamt of having to spend their lifetime.

 

As for me, I might not have that grand wedding everyone wish could have. But, I am lucky! At a very young age, I was able to find that person, Brian. Though I never had that dreamlike ceremony, I bet everyone’s still envious because I ended up with the man of my dreams and now I am sharing my forever with him. And I know one day, even if we’re already old, we would celebrate our renewal of our vows the way I had always dreamt it would be.

 

For now, I have to settle with the experience of my wedding and be happy and thankful for being blessed that I am with the same man I almost lost to someone… Ooooppsss! Now that’s a different story worth telling later, or NOT… ;-)

THE WEDDING - part II

The wedding was about to begin. We were asked to take our seats. The lights were dimmed and the spotlight focused on the entrance. One by one, the entourage walked in, from the flower girls to the principal sponsors  to the bridesmaids, who all look good in their royal blue gowns. Then, the “special song” played… The bride entered with a big smile on her face showing how very happy and special she felt that day. She was glowing in her pretty white gown. The Royal Blue bouquet of roses she was holding in her hands stood out as well. The scene was breathtaking. As we watch her walk down the aisle towards the groom at the altar, everything became a blur and was in slow motion. It was like a movie. Some were teary eyed. Some had wide smiles on their faces. Some were just sleepy and just wanted to get through the event awake… Oh that was just me!!! :P

 

The ceremony started… They were prayed over by the presiding pastor. Next, they gave their own vows to each other. As I sat down and listened to their very emotional speeches, I tried my best not to tear up too because I was actually imagining myself giving that vow to my husband, which always happens every time we attend a wedding.

 

After the ceremony, the program started together with the reception. The couple had photo sessions with the entourage and their sponsors. Then each group of guests per table had a chance to have a picture with the couple also. Everyone enjoyed the games played while eating the scrumptious dinner served. I enjoyed the pesto pasta and the plate of different fruits. J The wedding was almost done. My husband was called to give his wishes to his best bud and his wife. After that, Brian and I had our pictures taken at the photo booth and then we had one together with his band mate too. After that, the ceremony was over. We sent our wishes to the groom and the bride and bade them farewell…

 

At this time, both of us were really, really tired. We headed home.

THE WEDDING - part I

A couple of weeks ago, Brian and I attended the wedding of one of his best buddies since he was a kid. Though it was a very rainy afternoon, and without that much sleep (it was after work), we still went to the event. I struggled with what I would wear, which is one of the things I hate when attending a formal event. Being the tomboy I am, I never owned a decent dress since I am not a big fan of one. So off we went to our friendly neighborhood mall and we ran through the homeware department to grab the best wedding gift we could find and as soon as we had it wrapped, my husband left me at the mall to have his hair cut and I ran towards the ladies’ section of the department store and looked through all of the racks of the cheap but classy RTW dress that I could find. I tried on a couple of ‘em and luckily, I found one that, I think, was OK for the event and within my budget. We went home and prepared for the event, (by this, I meant took a quick shower and bathed my “grabbed-just-now” dress with my “now-favorite” perfume courtesy of my husband from his “out-of-the-country” assignment, GUESS GOLD. So much for the “noun-turned-adjective” words! Blame it on my past life, a language trainer… That’s a different story though…)  After the “extensive” preparation, Brian and I rushed to the place of the ceremony.

 

Anyway, we got there on time despite the heavy rains. (It must be marriage filled with a lot of blessings because of the heavy rains based on a belief of my granny. She once told me that if it rains on  a celebration, your birthday, wedding or dedication of your baby, the person(s) who are celebrating will be very blessed. Unless that’s really true or maybe they just invented that idea for them not be pooped by the idea that their celebration was ruined by the rains… :-P) Whew, long segue!!! J J J Going back to my story, I didn’t know anyone there, except from my husband, of course, the bride and the groom, and the other guest, who was their former band mate, plus his girlfriend, whom I just met there as well.

 

Outside the reception/ceremony area, there was a photo booth just being setup. People, dressed in their very elegant clothes, would be seen everywhere, with their cameras and taking pictures and doing their stuff… J As for me, being the quiet (realistically, “supladita”) person I am, I sat on the couch and tried my best to keep myself awake as I “patiently” waited for us to be led inside. A few minutes more and we were told that we could now enter the room. Once we went in, we saw the room that was quaintly arranged and was softly lit… The tables were arranged according to the bride’s favorite writers, novelists, authors, or whatever you call them (I assume that it’s the bride’s choice to set the tables that way. Since the groom was a best friend of my husband, they must share their “interest” in reading, which means NONE. As for me? I am not a big fan of reading books, though from time to time I DO read… calling out BOB ONG, PUGAD BABOY and JESSICA ZAFRA fans!!! :D). My husband and I were assigned to be seated at the “Nicholas Sparks” table. My husband, the not-so-big fan of books, not even our textbooks in high school, asked me, “Sino ba si Nicholas Sparks?!” Good thing I know some Nicholas Sparks because of the books “The Notebook,” “The Wedding,” “Message in a Bottle,” “A Walk to Remember,” “Nights in Rodanthe,” and “Dear John.” (Obviously, the ones that I read were the ones that were turned into silverscreen adaptations except for “The Wedding” which is a sequel of the book “The Notebook” just a trivia!!!)

 

To be continued…

SELFISHNESS 101

I was again at my worse when I started looking for interesting things to read over the internet... while going through some topics, i spotted this one list of tips on how to overcome a selfish relationship... so i started reading it and thought of stuff to share to everyone. but then i thought, if there were hundreds, if not, thousands of tips on how to have the most perfect relationship with your significant other, there must be tips on how to ruin a successful relationship as well or something like that... and so my topic for tonight's blog was born: HOW TO BE SELFISH IN A RELATIONSHIP?

first, let us define what is selfishness? According to http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/selfishness, selfishness is defined as being concerned excessively or exclusively with oneself : seeking or concentrating on one's own advantage, pleasure, or well-being without regard for others or arising from concern with one's own welfare or advantage in disregard of others. 

now, how does selfishness affect a relationship? with all the fights that i had with Brian, if you would look and analyze it, all of them started with selfishness. either one was too focused with oneself and gratifying his or my need above everything else. sometimes, it involves pleasing ones desires over the other. but what i could say the most common issue would be, one was too focused on being right, no matter how much it hurts the other whatever the cost may be.

one could not have a smooth marriage, long-lasting friendship or an ideal relationship if selfishness exists within. take note that selfishness would immediately ruin your feelings of love, adoration or affection and nothing good ever comes from being selfish. it is a guarantee that you're headed to a path of loneliness, misery and despair if you'd ever want to become SELFISH towards your significant other.

now that I've provided you with all of the warnings that I could offer, let's now proceed to the main point of my blog: HOW CAN YOU APPLY SELFISHNESS INTO YOUR RELATIONSHIP?

remember, selfishness focuses only on one's self and does not add the value to others. for example, your significant other has had trouble with sleeping for a very long time and sleep is a necessity and a great task for him/her to accomplish. then, for the first time in weeks, you see him/her sleeping soundly and peacefully but your miserable self can't somehow manage to do the same thing. how, then, will you apply SELFISHNESS in this situation? simple! start throwing stuff around and bang things on the floor, wall, or even the ceiling just to get his/her attention. if he/she wakes up and asks why you are doing that, simply yell at him/her, "i can't sleep!!!" great! for sure you've successfully achieved being an @$$|-|ö£ê. kudos to you!

another thing to take note about selfishness is that if you wanna be selfish towards him/her, you'd want to focus the services towards you and not the other way around. let's say both of you came of from work and nothing's prepared for dinner yet. you check the fridge only to find out a ruined bottle of milk, a spoiled box of cheese and a dead fly on top of a rotten tomato (sorry for ruining your appetite). what to do? ask the other to go to the market, buy food, cook it and serve it to you. after that, you eat and leave all of the dishes for him/her to finish. again, great job!!! definitely, you're starting to get a hang of it.

want more? okay...

when a person is selfish, one must remember that selfishness doesn't mind the consequences of his/her behavior. if you're angry, let it out... say mean stuff, do crazy things, curse, yell and don't mind whether the kids' eyes on you or worse take it out on them... just think, "hey, this is me and i don't care what you feel or think. as long as i could do what i want whenever i want, that's fine. if you can't accept me and my behavior, you could go two ways, stay with me and learn to accept and adjust with my qualities or feel free to leave." like what Beyoncè said on her song, "IRREPLACEABLE", ♫♪ I could have another you in a minute. Matter of fact, he'll be here in a minute.♪♫ not only were you successful in determining the who's who in the relationship, aside from the fact that you were able to ruin his/her ego, you are also headed towards the path of destroying a wonderful union... all because you wanted to focus the spotlight on you and forgot that there's another person.

lastly, when being selfish in a relationship, if you come across a major hurdle or obstacle in your relationship, you leave and forget about him/her. it's the one foremost step of every selfish person could do to mess up your "what-you-thought-to-be-neverending bond." let's say one of you has started a career and was on your way to becoming successful whilst the other was beginning to feel miserable because he/she felt she was left out and his/her insecurities were slowly showing up, what do you do? leave him/her behind, find a better one to replace him/her and live your dream. doesn't matter if that person you left out has been with you for a very long time and right now, he/she might be needing your moral support all the more? if he/she doesn't fit in your perfect little world, scrap him/her and find a better model.

keep in mind how an egocentric human being thinks. a self-centered individual thinks this way, "WHAT WOULD I GET FROM YOU AND HOW VALUABLE COULD YOU BE TO ME?" instead of thinking, "HOW CAN I BE OF HELP/SERVICE TO YOU?"

on that note, i leave you this question, of the two questions i gave on my previous statement, which one is yours?